Messed up life... i'm sad...

01 Nov 2006 1200hrs
Heard something yesterday..
Felt ok at first but in the end i couldn't sleep thru the night.. because everytime i tried to close my eyes to sleep, i'd think about her and cry... i'm devastated.

Today i went to visit her and her brother let me into their house. i stopped him from waking her up and then i sneaked into her room and sat by the door.. Looking at her longingly, lovingly, waiting for her to wake up. Oh my god... i really do love her so much... i was just supposed to be there to get something back from her... but i just couldn't help it. As i waited quietly and looked at her, affection in my heart overflowed, sorrow grew in my heart, tears streaked down my face... She wasn't mine anymore. And then her cousin's phone rang... and she woke up... she was really surprised... and then she went to wash up and we had a little chat...

we cried... we comforted each other.. we argued a bit... we had a nice little chat again... I longed in my heart for her to pick up the courage to break up with that fella and come back to me... she struggled. For a few times... i'd given up and wanted to leave but she pulled me back. i could see that she doesn't want us to end just like that... But she was on 2 minds. As of today, I think she still has feelings for me and wishes we could still be together... on the other hand, she's worried that her "stable" life now would spiral back to the times where she was really tired because of our relationship, because of my nuahness... Even as i left, i stood by her doorstep longing for her to change her mind... she'd bulged, her eyes turned red again... but then she braced herself up again and stopped herself from keeping me. And... in the end, it was too little, too late... she struggled to choose between us... But finally she decided to chose him... Though it's only been a short time, I guess she's developed some feelings for him too, so he must be a really nice guy... The person who matters to me most is attached to someone else...
life's a living hell now...i'm hurt... i'm misunderstood... i've really lost her for nothing. if only i knew about it 1 or 2 weeks earlier...

i don't understand all thats happened for the past few weeks... wish i'd changed myself earlier, just for her... i'm worried about her... That guy really came along at the right time, when she was emotionally weak, when she needed someone to dote on her... And he got a jewel just like that...

i wonder whether issit because of some stupid advice from some friends... Wat's the point of rushing into another relationship.. she's aready attached to someone else after only such a short while. i guess her life's getting back on track now and she doesn't want to ruin it again... I wish i'd explained to her why i broke up with her in the first place, before it all happened... I thought, if we could still be there for each other while we're single, i'd take the time to improve myself the way she likes it... So that we'd be perfect when we get back together.
Now it's all over... T_T

01 Nov 2006 2000hrs
I just woke up. My eyes are red and swollen from all the crying. Didn't really want to wake up but i had to because work starts at 11pm... Feel so sad now... first thing that i thought of when i woke up was her, wondering what she's doing now... and i cried again. There were really alot of misunderstandings between us.. Everything i wrote or communicated to her ever since the day i broke up with her, she misunderstood. She thought that i didn't want anything to do with patching up with her... She's upset because she thinks i implied on friendster that my life was messed up because of her... Now it really is because i'm without her. i cry uncontrollably when i go to sleep, when i wake up, when i think of her... Such a crybaby... Nothing i can do now... Gotta wash up and go to work...